If you wanna view paradise, simply look around and view it...`

A few moments ago I caught myself singing - "If you wanna view Paradise simply look around and view it...". I caught myself happy, I am happy...I am surprised. Surprised not because I am a sad person in general, but probably because I saw myself handle a supposedly difficult situation in a very good way. I am emotionally stable despite how big a deal the problem presented itself. Let me lay it down for you...
I joined a pageant called Mr. Gay World Philippines. I joined because I wanted to make a difference. As cliche as it may sound, I really did searched within my soul for it. I asked myself if it was inline with what I wanted to do in life. As a gay individual, I thought, I have been presenting myself as, probably, a forerunner of exhibitions, juggling roles as a drag queen during events,

a hiphop dancer persona in the dance floor, or once, as Mr. Club Government title holder. Thus, I may probably have built a handful of audience, who, I assume, I probably can and probably have influenced... though I'm thinking, I'm probably just talking about my friends to the very least, or, not even hehehe... but one thing is for sure, I've been quite a fixture in the Manila Gay scene. And this is why I thought I could probably take it to the next level, and maybe do something relevant...

"It will put me in a position wherein I can encourage others who are like us to be more comfortable about themselves and feel proud of who they are..." that's what I told the organizers when I was asked why I wanted to joined. I took it very seriously.


There's something about the cosmic world that if you are very focused on something, everything starts aligning into it. All that I needed in the pageant was provided for without much effort - a formal wear by JunJun Escario; my own make up artist Jet; extra trunks by ZON; shoes by Ernest; intelligent friends for the Q and A practice; teeth whitening gel from Georgie; and etc. Not to sound condescending, but it was quite easy. Even during the pageant night I was very calm, very in control. It was as if I was just watching myself perform, everything perfectly planned and executed. The words flew out of my mouth in the manner that it was suppose to as I answered the final question.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lune_VSeuqA


It was quite odd actually, I remember asking myself why am I not as nervous as I'm suppose to. I somehow had an inkling that something was wrong, though everything was going so right. And so it happened... I did not get the title, a lot of questioning followed, from the host himself Boy Abunda, the judges who approached me right after, and the director of the pageant who suggested to review the results. It led me to question it myself... to make the story short, I was unsuccessful in trying to get an answer I could trust. In the process I became jaded about the pageant...and sad to say that I may have done trouble not only to myself but also to the pageant organizers.

http://delfindjmontano.blogspot.com/2009/10/winner-denied.html

With all that has been said, I had to find a stop. I had to identify where I could put myself at ease and settle for something that will render me peace. I did become bitter, I did become hateful, I did become ungrateful... I can gladly admit. I just allowed myself, and I could honestly say I enjoyed it. But I didn't enjoy it that much for me to get stuck. I somehow knew there's a higher stage in the process of healing. So I stepped up the ladder fast! That's why I'm surprised, because I don't heal fast, I didn't used to. I guess its a coming of age, and I like it.

There's a lot of things I am hopeful for despite what happened. That I was able to spread the message of diversity, that I was able to set a standard in the pageant itself, that the pageant also learned their part, and so on. But for now I know I have learned a lot, I know I have given a lot, I know I have done well, and for that, I am happy...
I am once again amazed at how beautiful life is...so many experiences to make, and this one is a very good one...