Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm like a bird...

video

It took me an hour and a half to get to where I work near the airport. From Munoz QC, my route took one jeepney ride, the LRT, then a shuttle which I had to look for near Mc Donalds Taft Avenue station. It was a rough ride compared to what I was used to the past year. With the jeepney ride itself, I could already smell the difference from the places it passed through - the markets, the shanties, the overly crowded streets flocked by employees of sorts looping their way through the vendors that have set up their stools and fixtures over inadequate pedestrian lanes... But I made it, and I didn't get hurt or anything, nor was I too uncomfortable to complain. I think I had more of the observant behavior while travelling. I couldn't help but notice the structural, statistical and societal difference of the environment compared to the very comfy 3 minute, non-polutted, not overpopulated, skyway-taxi-ride I used to take.

It dawned into me that I actually have transferred, moved, migrated, or settled in to a new place in QC. Well we can actually call it "moved back" since I lived there on and off the past few years. But it is only now that the disparity has become clear to me - the difference in terms of physical, emotional, and psychological environment. It seems like there's a direct inversion...

Last night Georgie cooked a sumptuous dinner, a simple rice and pork/chicken adobo combo. "Ang Sarap"! It was her welcome dinner for us. Immediately we felt the change in emotional state as we ate after transferring our stuff from the move out truck into the apartment. It was gracious though very simple. It was happy...

2 days before, Kenji also cooked dinner for us, it was his farewell treat, and the "Sinigang" was phenomenal... Kenji was teary eyed when we left. I didn't wanna leave him there... it was as if saying goodbye to an old emotional structure called "condo unit". Very isolated, very restricted that the walls seem to dictate restraint on possible emotional connections- that's how I would describe my room there in Cityland Condominiums. I would go home, get inside my room, close my door and it literally isolates me from Zander and Juan, my housemates there. It Isolates me from Kenji and Karlo all the more since they live 2 floors below. It isolates me from Elbert who is 3 floors down. It isolates me farther away from Alex who lives just in the neighboring building beside ours. All the people I've mentioned here are my dear friends who I identify with as family, and I guess that at this point in our relationships, it is important to be able to connect.

While traveling earlier, it occurred to me that I moved back into a very simple apartment far away in QC where the aura is vibrant as the doors are always open and the air is kind of free; a set up where anyone could practically smell anyone's fart so to speak... and I left a comfortable place that seemed to have secured me in the silence of my own room.
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I guess in another perspective, both will have their own pros and cons, its probably situational and very dependent on where you are as a person in terms of your needs, in terms of your financial capacity, in terms of all the factors that you have to consider... I am learning and discerning a lot, I never really used to think and plan carefully where I live. I fly back and forth like a bird... I guess I never really identified with one particular place/house since my biological family left. It could be seasonal, it could be the way it is...I could only guess... But I'm now moving on into an old place I used to live in, and tomorrow is another day :)...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

If you wanna view paradise, simply look around and view it...`

A few moments ago I caught myself singing - "If you wanna view Paradise simply look around and view it...". I caught myself happy, I am happy...I am surprised. Surprised not because I am a sad person in general, but probably because I saw myself handle a supposedly difficult situation in a very good way. I am emotionally stable despite how big a deal the problem presented itself. Let me lay it down for you...
I joined a pageant called Mr. Gay World Philippines. I joined because I wanted to make a difference. As cliche as it may sound, I really did searched within my soul for it. I asked myself if it was inline with what I wanted to do in life. As a gay individual, I thought, I have been presenting myself as, probably, a forerunner of exhibitions, juggling roles as a drag queen during events,

a hiphop dancer persona in the dance floor, or once, as Mr. Club Government title holder. Thus, I may probably have built a handful of audience, who, I assume, I probably can and probably have influenced... though I'm thinking, I'm probably just talking about my friends to the very least, or, not even hehehe... but one thing is for sure, I've been quite a fixture in the Manila Gay scene. And this is why I thought I could probably take it to the next level, and maybe do something relevant...

"It will put me in a position wherein I can encourage others who are like us to be more comfortable about themselves and feel proud of who they are..." that's what I told the organizers when I was asked why I wanted to joined. I took it very seriously.


There's something about the cosmic world that if you are very focused on something, everything starts aligning into it. All that I needed in the pageant was provided for without much effort - a formal wear by JunJun Escario; my own make up artist Jet; extra trunks by ZON; shoes by Ernest; intelligent friends for the Q and A practice; teeth whitening gel from Georgie; and etc. Not to sound condescending, but it was quite easy. Even during the pageant night I was very calm, very in control. It was as if I was just watching myself perform, everything perfectly planned and executed. The words flew out of my mouth in the manner that it was suppose to as I answered the final question.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lune_VSeuqA
video

It was quite odd actually, I remember asking myself why am I not as nervous as I'm suppose to. I somehow had an inkling that something was wrong, though everything was going so right. And so it happened... I did not get the title, a lot of questioning followed, from the host himself Boy Abunda, the judges who approached me right after, and the director of the pageant who suggested to review the results. It led me to question it myself... to make the story short, I was unsuccessful in trying to get an answer I could trust. In the process I became jaded about the pageant...and sad to say that I may have done trouble not only to myself but also to the pageant organizers.

http://delfindjmontano.blogspot.com/2009/10/winner-denied.html

With all that has been said, I had to find a stop. I had to identify where I could put myself at ease and settle for something that will render me peace. I did become bitter, I did become hateful, I did become ungrateful... I can gladly admit. I just allowed myself, and I could honestly say I enjoyed it. But I didn't enjoy it that much for me to get stuck. I somehow knew there's a higher stage in the process of healing. So I stepped up the ladder fast! That's why I'm surprised, because I don't heal fast, I didn't used to. I guess its a coming of age, and I like it.

There's a lot of things I am hopeful for despite what happened. That I was able to spread the message of diversity, that I was able to set a standard in the pageant itself, that the pageant also learned their part, and so on. But for now I know I have learned a lot, I know I have given a lot, I know I have done well, and for that, I am happy...
I am once again amazed at how beautiful life is...so many experiences to make, and this one is a very good one...

If you wanna view paradise, simply look around and view it...