Thursday, February 19, 2009

On Debt

I never really quite understood the world crisis that's going on, I only have a "not so clear" idea of why its happening and why it's happened. I mean how can the whole world go poor on its own. Poor against who? Who's rich now? How can the whole world have a debt on it's own? To whom is it indebted with? The World Bank? How can the world be indebted on it's own bank? I find it really absurd. To examine this is really a very painstaking idea on its own. I mean the visuals we see all over the news of the stock market - the graphs of the rising unemployment, names of companies that have closed, the recent countries that have succumb to recession - though hyped up, these are all very confusing for me. Not that it isn't confusing before, well probably not if you're a businessman. But I could truly say that in a way the stock market has taken center stage amongst the outstanding shows we watch everyday. It's like a TV series, with its own story and treatment. The people of the world - the protagonist, the world economy - the antagonist. It has a beginning, as we began evolving and as we learned business and economy, not to mention capitalism, which I think is the culprit. It has a middle, which we now are facing. And and an end? It probably should have, and that is what we are all waiting for I guess? It's all so strange for me, but at the same time, might be the greatest story yet I have ever encountered in my life.

But there is a kind of saving grace that I feel while trying to understand this whole chaos. And that is that I feel a bit secure knowing that it's happened, I'll explain to you why. I have debts on my own, so it makes me feel a bit better to know that I am not alone. In fact, the world is on my side. I and the rest of the world are equals. Of course thats a silly idea. But that's how I truly feel. It makes me really wonder if the mechanism of how the world got indebted might be similar to how I personally got indebted. Can I truly compare and simplify the world problem as being similar to mine? Because I somehow have a good idea about how I got indebted, I somehow know the psychological or even emotional foundations of why I never learned to handle money, property or possession very well. I somehow understand the reasoning behind the way I value material things. It's pretty presumptuous, but I stand by it. I can actually pin point specific experiences in my life that exhibited corruption, or where I got corrupted, or even where I was being corrupt. Still pretty presumptuous but I still stand by it. I don't think that I need a shrink or a hypnotist to bring me back to those experiences. I know them by heart and somehow I bring them with me all the time, specially at times when I truly indulge myself on things, when I'm unable to discipline and limit my want, or wants.

No, don't start with me with the self help stuff, if thats on your mind. Been trying to, I'm telling you. I can truly say that I'm trying, I am. The good news is that as I have been trying, I have slowly realized how hard and how complicated it really is. How intertwined it is with whole person that I am.

Oh how the world works!

Funny how I say that because it brings me back to the very topic I was trying to understand - the world crisis. How do we recover? How do we go about it? Where do we go to when everywhere will become poor as have been widely expressed? Can we truly transcend debt?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

To Gym or Not to Gym

My muscles hurt, specifically my biceps. I worked out 2 days ago after a 3 month hiatus from the gym routine. But it feels better now compared to yesterday when it was really hard to stretch all over making me feel sluggish altogether. I had to aide myself with Alaxan FR, its a pain reliever. I don't actually know how it works. Does it clear and drain away the toxins causing the pain in the muscles, or does it block the pain receptors from the muscles itself, disabling it to send signals to the brain, thus no pain?

As they say no pain no gain, so I have to get back to the gym. The thing is, I actually have no legitimate access to go to this specific gym where almost every gay guy I know goes, yes, Fitness First. I have a friend in one of it's mall branches, who apparently, has the power to push a button under the front desk counter so the gates would open and let me in. It's been like that for quite sometime now, even before my hiatus. I haven't been prioritizing payments for the gym, thats the truth, and it's only maybe now that I'm starting to realize why. Aside from it being expensive, there are other reasons. We'll go into the that in a short while.

I think I gained more than 7 lbs, from 135 to 142, it's alarming for me. I'm 5'6" and 3/4ths and my ideal body weight is actually 135-140lbs. But, I still am alarmed. Yes, I am so vain. But it's not a breaking news that most gays are. That's why the gym business is quite successful in my opinion, because we constitute a big percentage of their clientèle and our numbers are growing if you've noticed.

We all want to look good. You know why? Because looking good is feeling healthy. When you're healthy you look good, when you look good, it raises up your chances of being noticed, thus more chances for sex! Quite very stereotypical of me right? Well let's just say that that is just one of the reasons why gay people go to the gym. There are other reasons - the cruising, the straight guys, and oh! The sauna! But just to be fair, let's not forget the actual workouts and classes.

Let's get to the point. I think I've figured out why I haven't been paying fees for the gym. It's because it doesn't suffice my pain anymore. The 9 years of working out has already paid off. I've already poured out myself into all the sweat my body has produced, in the hope that I would look better, that I would have better sex encounters, and that my life would seem better. There was something hidden in every single contraction of my muscles, something I wanted to express, or get rid of. And I cant help but think that it could have been really my insecurity. The form of pain which I could only guess to be the bi-product of all the other pains I've had in my life. I've got rid of a lot of that PAIN, therefore I have already GAINED. So the saying "no pain no gain" is actually very true in this perspective. I have less pain so I have less to gain in the gym. That's probably why Alaxan FR is more relevant to me right now, because it takes away body pain, and its only at an already marked up price of 15 pesos compared to the 2,300 per month fee for the gym.

But then again it doesn't really pain to be working out again, or maybe there are other pains? Hmmm? They always come anyway.